So after reading a fellow bloggers post about feeling a certain way and talking to my mama, I am forcing myself to deal with something I guess I have been trying to avoid for a while. I know I have blogged before about one of my friends in FL and some crap we went through. Long story short, she feels that when I go down to FL, I don't make time for her. And on some level, deep down I guess that it partially true, but not really. I do want to see her and spend time with her, but it seems like every time we get together it is in a bar or club. Don't get me wrong, I am down for that like anybody else, but not every time I see her. I want to spend time talking to her and just being us again. Anyway, a few months ago I just flat out asked her what her problem with me was and she told me and I thought we had worked it out. Apparently not since she is not speaking to me anymore. Of course the first thing that I jump to is that it's all my fault and I am a horrible friend. Again, I know I could do some things differently in our friendship, no on is perfect. However, I got to thinking. Friendship is 2 way street. I had a milestone birthday in October. Do you know how many birthday cards I received from friends? One. One card from a friend. It was from a sweet friend here in AL. None of my friends from FL sent me a card, an email, a kiss my ass or anything for my birthday. I know I sound bitter and angry and I hate to be that way, but my feelings are hurt. I have sent her cards and emails apologizing for not spending enough time with her and all that stuff but I have not received anything from her. I am taking it as a sign she no longer wants to be friends. It's really hard because I have known her since high school and we were so close. For a long time I didn't want to accept she didn't want to be friends and I kept pushing and trying, but why am I going to keep putting an effort in when I get nothing back?
I know it seems like I am being a whiny baby about things, but I am being honest with myself and letting myself experience my true feelings instead of pushing them down. I guess another thing that really bothers me about the situation is that I have not gotten any kind of support from my so-called best friends in FL during this divorce. I try to be upbeat and happy and the token funny fat girl. That is what everyone is used to me being all time. I feel like I am letting people down when I am not funny all the time or upbeat. I don't expect people to listen to me bitch about it every time we talk or anything like that, but a "Hey, how are you really doing?" every now and then wouldn't hurt. I know it's an awkward thing to talk to someone about, because I am going through it and it's awkward, but it's just shocking to me that my "friends" have not even asked me once how I am doing. I know I am rambling, but I am getting my feelings out and it's very therapeutic for me.
Good news....I got a B on my first english paper! I know, I know a B is not that great, but being out of school 10 years, I am excited about my B!!
So....How are YOU really doing?