Thursday, February 17, 2011

Doesn't Break Even

So after reading a fellow bloggers post about feeling a certain way and talking to my mama, I am forcing myself to deal with something I guess I have been trying to avoid for a while.  I know I have blogged before about one of my friends in FL and some crap we went through.  Long story short, she feels that when I go down to FL, I don't make time for her.  And on some level, deep down I guess that it partially true, but not really.  I do want to see her and spend time with her, but it seems like every time we get together it is in a bar or club.  Don't get me wrong, I am down for that like anybody else, but not every time I see her.  I want to spend time talking to her and just being us again.  Anyway, a few months ago I just flat out asked her what her problem with me was and she told me and I thought we had worked it out.  Apparently not since she is not speaking to me anymore.  Of course the first thing that I jump to is that it's all my fault and I am a horrible friend.  Again, I know I could do some things differently in our friendship, no on is perfect.  However, I got to thinking.  Friendship is 2 way street.  I had a milestone birthday in October.  Do you know how many birthday cards I received from friends?  One.  One card from a friend.  It was from a sweet friend here in AL.  None of my friends from FL sent me a card, an email, a kiss my ass or anything for my birthday.  I know I sound bitter and angry and I hate to be that way, but my feelings are hurt.   I have sent her cards and emails apologizing for not spending enough time with her and all that stuff but I have not received anything from her.  I am taking it as a sign she no longer wants to be friends.  It's really hard because I have known her since high school and we were so close.  For a long time I didn't want to accept she didn't want to be friends and I kept pushing and trying, but why am I going to keep putting an effort in when I get nothing back?

I know it seems like I am being a whiny baby about things, but I am being honest with myself and letting myself experience my true feelings instead of pushing them down.  I guess another thing that really bothers me about the situation is that I have not gotten any kind of support from my so-called best friends in FL during this divorce.  I try to be upbeat and happy and the token funny fat girl.  That is what everyone is used to me being all time.  I feel like I am letting people down when I am not funny all the time or upbeat.  I don't expect people to listen to me bitch about it every time we talk or anything like that, but a "Hey, how are you really doing?" every now and then wouldn't hurt.  I know it's an awkward thing to talk to someone about, because I am going through it and it's awkward, but it's just shocking to me that my "friends" have not even asked me once how I am doing.  I know I am rambling, but I am getting my feelings out and it's very therapeutic for me.

Good news....I got a B on my first english paper!  I know, I know a B is not that great, but being out of school 10 years, I am excited about my B!!

So....How are YOU really doing?


  1. I'm sorry you are going through all of that. It's tough losing a friend that you've been close with for a long time. A couple years ago, my best friend (she was my maid of honor) and I had a falling out and it sounds like it was fairly similar to your situation! Don't want to go into detail here, but if you want to talk you know how to get a hold of me :)

    Just know that I am still no longer friends with this person and quite honestly a weight was kind of lifted off my shoulders. I enjoyed the friendship when we had it and cherish the time that we were friends but at this point in my life, I don't really need that person. It's best to surround yourself around people who do cherish you and truly want to support and be there for you. It's too draining to have to deal with all that friend drama when you've got so much going on already.

  2. Wow, I blogged about this yesterday. When we grow and change and our friends stay the same, it can be really hard. Hang in there and know that we care about you and we are here to listen. Sometimes we just outgrow those old friendships, it doesn't mean they weren't valuable to us at the time.

  3. Thank you for sharing here. It is hard to blog about this stuff sometimes, but we care about you and are here to listen!

  4. First of all...a "B" is a HUGE deal! A "B" is ABOVE AVERAGE! And in English none the less...really? Do you not realize how ANAL English majors/teachers are?! A "B" is a blessing from the English Teacher Gods. LOL. :)

    As for the friend stuff...GIRL...I totally know how you feel! I had/have been friends with someone since like...oh...I dunno...I was 11..and I am 26 15 years? We were super duper close..did everything together...hung out all the time...spent like every day of the summers together...anywho...once I decided to make some changes in my life (quit smoking and drinking) it seemed as if she didn't wanna be pals anymore...which hurt. We occasionally speak on FB status comments...but there has been no congrats, talks, or happiness shared over the pregnancy...which...well...hurts again.

    Took me awhile to realize it wasn't was her...with the issue. I am being the best me I can be...and if someone doesn't want in on that...yeah, it hurts...but I guess it is for the better!

    Granted we have never met face to face...but you seem pretty darn cool...and to survive growing up in Mims...frankly that is a feat in and of itself! :) LOL. You rock...and don't let anyone bring ya down...yeah you are going thru some tough times in life, and those that are here for you during this time are the ones that matter... :)


  5. tessie said it best.... i actually told myself this morning that this weekend i need to sit down and write a very hard friend post. i need to say some things out loud. hang in there... you deserve better friends to go with the new and improved you.