Friday, February 25, 2011

Wow it's been a while since I have done one of these - BYOC

1. Are you a heavy or light sleeper?
Sleep is hard for me.  I don't fall asleep well at all.  I try my hardest, but I just lay there thinking about everything I need to do, what is going on in my life, etc.  When I do fall asleep though I guess it is pretty sound.  

2. If you were made into a professor for a day, what topic would you lecture on?

Not really sure.....I know pathetic answer

3. What’s a skill you’ve always wanted that you don’t currently have?
How to dress prettier and more stylish

4. Have you ever been in a real cat fight?
No, I hate confrontation.  I get all weepy and scared.  I have a hard time confronting my parents about stuff let alone a stranger.  However I will say that since Joe left I have found some confidence in myself.  I do stand up for myself more, but far from cat fight status.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

Blog land - Ok, I guess.  I am still in a funk and don't really want to talk or interact with anyone, so it's hard for me to post stuff now.  But I am reading them!

Real life - I hate to be Debbie Downer all the freaking time, but it sucks.  I am just having a difficult time right now with depression.  I feel like my life is in chaos and I need to get it under control but I can't.   I am really trying to stay positive, but it's a struggle everyday. 


Sunday, February 20, 2011

Chattanooga and Moose

So my dad has noticed that I have been in a funk lately, I guess I am not hiding as well as I thought I was!  I have never been to Chattanooga, TN before and it is only 2 hours away, so we went yesterday.  I wasn't really in the mood to go, but I knew that I needed to get out and something.  The ride over was fine, there was hardly anyone on the road, so it was a great drive.  We get to Chattanooga and end up in some artsy district.  We go to this "bakery" (it was actually just a room with bread on shelves).   My dad and took one look and walked right out and went to the sculpture garden across the street.  Well folks this is where the day starts to head south and never looks back again.  Apparently my stepmom didn't see us leave, I'm not sure how she didn't see us....the room was the size of my bathroom for goodness sakes, but anyway, when she finally comes and finds us she is pissed.  She said that my dad left her and "she is here too".  Now, this is where I feel weird.  My relationship with my stepmom has always been strained.  I am a Daddy's girl through and through.  My dad and I get along, we laugh, we talk, it's a great relationship.  For some reason my stepmom can't stand it.  She gets very jealous and I don't know why.  He is my dad.  It's not like I am trying to steal him away.  I am very aware of the fact that they need time and I purposely don't do things with them so she can have him all to herself.   We don't exclude her in things and I bite my tongue ALL THE FLIPPING TIME with her.  So we get back in the car and she starts tearing up.  My dad apologizes and says it was not on purpose (it really  wasn't) and for us to have a good day.  We stopped for lunch and it was probably the most awkward I have ever felt sitting at a table.  No one was talking, my stepmom is still tearing up and refusing to talk to my dad.  She always assumes I am taking my dads side, so she doesn't talk to me either.  I used to let it bother me, but now I just feel like whatever.  I literally just sat there and played on my phone until the food came.  After we ate we went up to Lookout Mtn. and Rock City.  It was a beautiful drive and the views are gorgeous!  Still no talking though.  My dad and I talked, but I feel weird like we are leaving out and when I try to talk to her she is very short.  I just wanted to scream over the rocks.  So after the mountain we left.  It was one of the most awkward days I have had in along time!  

I took the video of Moose below a few weeks ago when we had some snow/ice on the ground.  It doesn't happen very much for us down here in the South, so I thought is was funny that Moose ran full out to get the frisbee, but when he brought it back he was very cautious.  It makes me laugh!  

 Looking out from the sculpture garden

 View from Lookout Mountain

video
 I realize that I am probably the worst frisbee thrower and I hate the way my voice sounds in this video


Thursday, February 17, 2011

Doesn't Break Even

So after reading a fellow bloggers post about feeling a certain way and talking to my mama, I am forcing myself to deal with something I guess I have been trying to avoid for a while.  I know I have blogged before about one of my friends in FL and some crap we went through.  Long story short, she feels that when I go down to FL, I don't make time for her.  And on some level, deep down I guess that it partially true, but not really.  I do want to see her and spend time with her, but it seems like every time we get together it is in a bar or club.  Don't get me wrong, I am down for that like anybody else, but not every time I see her.  I want to spend time talking to her and just being us again.  Anyway, a few months ago I just flat out asked her what her problem with me was and she told me and I thought we had worked it out.  Apparently not since she is not speaking to me anymore.  Of course the first thing that I jump to is that it's all my fault and I am a horrible friend.  Again, I know I could do some things differently in our friendship, no on is perfect.  However, I got to thinking.  Friendship is 2 way street.  I had a milestone birthday in October.  Do you know how many birthday cards I received from friends?  One.  One card from a friend.  It was from a sweet friend here in AL.  None of my friends from FL sent me a card, an email, a kiss my ass or anything for my birthday.  I know I sound bitter and angry and I hate to be that way, but my feelings are hurt.   I have sent her cards and emails apologizing for not spending enough time with her and all that stuff but I have not received anything from her.  I am taking it as a sign she no longer wants to be friends.  It's really hard because I have known her since high school and we were so close.  For a long time I didn't want to accept she didn't want to be friends and I kept pushing and trying, but why am I going to keep putting an effort in when I get nothing back?

I know it seems like I am being a whiny baby about things, but I am being honest with myself and letting myself experience my true feelings instead of pushing them down.  I guess another thing that really bothers me about the situation is that I have not gotten any kind of support from my so-called best friends in FL during this divorce.  I try to be upbeat and happy and the token funny fat girl.  That is what everyone is used to me being all time.  I feel like I am letting people down when I am not funny all the time or upbeat.  I don't expect people to listen to me bitch about it every time we talk or anything like that, but a "Hey, how are you really doing?" every now and then wouldn't hurt.  I know it's an awkward thing to talk to someone about, because I am going through it and it's awkward, but it's just shocking to me that my "friends" have not even asked me once how I am doing.  I know I am rambling, but I am getting my feelings out and it's very therapeutic for me.

Good news....I got a B on my first english paper!  I know, I know a B is not that great, but being out of school 10 years, I am excited about my B!!

So....How are YOU really doing?

Friday, February 11, 2011

Not feeling it

I am not feeling myself lately.  I can't pinpoint exactly what it is, but I'm not feeling it right now.  I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and it's frustrating me.  

I am happy that I am back in school, but I forgot how much school stresses me out.  I put a lot of pressure on myself and I want things to be as close to perfect as possible.  I want to get an A on every paper I write and every test I take.  I know that won't happen all the time, but why do I let it bother me so much?  Why can't I just accept I tried my best and deal with it?  School stresses me out!

It is that special time of the month for me...yay...can you detect the sarcasm?  I know this is contributing a lot to how I am feeling.  

I am excited however that in 5 months I will have paid off my car!  I get excited just thinking about it!!  I never thought I would get this thing paid off!  I am really trying to pay extra on it so I can get it paid off sooner.   

I am still trying to stay positive, but I am kind of in a funk right now.  It will get better, I just know it!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Heavy

Hey y'all!!  I know most of y'all have seen or heard about the new show on A&E, Heavy.  I have never seen the show, but one of my dad's old teammates is going to be on this show.  I am not sure when his episode is going to air, but his name is Bill Searcy.  I met him a few months ago at an Alabama game and he looks amazing!  He couldn't really talk about it, but I am looking forward to seeing his episode.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

So......

I'm not dead.  I know that's what you were thinking, right?  I had died?  No, well I'm back anyway.  I think I am officially the world's WORST blogger.  I really have no good excuse at all, so I am not going to say anything except that I am back baby!  2011 I have decided is going to be MY year!  I know, I know it's February 1 already, but better late than never!! Things are changing and I am excited about it.  Here is what is going on with me right now:

  • I am going back to school!  I was stupid out of high school and only took a few college courses and then got a job and quit school.  But I am going back now and really enjoying it.  I am only taking 2 classes right now just until I get back in the groove of going.  I am taking a basic math course (my WORST subject) and English Comp 101.  I know they are basic classes, but you have to start somewhere, right?  I am doing so much better in the math class than I thought I would.  I am thoroughly enjoying English.  I love reading and English is was one of my best classes/subjects in hs.  
  • I am finally going to get my divorce this year.  It may take the whole flipping year to get it done, but it is going to happen this year.  I kind of drug my feet at the end of 2010 about doing the paperwork.  Not because I wanted to get back together with him, but just of the situation I guess.  I knew it needed to be done, but I guess I wasn't ready yet.  But guess what baby?!  I am ready now!!!  My dad a.k.a. my attorney, is getting the paperwork finalized so we can send it off to J to be signed.  The reason I say it may take all year is because I know J and he will not willingly sign the papers.  He is going to be an ass and drag this thing out, but it is what I expected out of him.  The bottom line is that it's moving in the right direction and I am moving on with MY life. 
  • I have miraculously found my backbone.  Who knew where it has been hiding for the past 30 years?  I do, it's been under my fat butt and arms and legs and everything else that is fat on me.  I have not lost at much weight as I have wanted to, but you know what?  It's ok, I have not gained any and that my friends is a very good thing.  Since I have class every night except Friday, I am trying to walk when I get home around 8:30.  And since I take Moose with me I am totally counting it as a cardio and upper body work out since I have to wrestle him on his retractable leash!  Good Lord he is strong and can tangle himself around a garbage can before you can blink an eye!!  Ok, back to my backbone.  I have one again.  I have always been the nice, polite girl who really  let people walk all over me my whole life.  However, now I am the nice, polite woman who is not going to take crap off of anyone anymore.  I, for one, am proud to be from the South and am so grateful that I was raised to say yes ma'am and no sir and thank you.  That being said, I am done letting people walk all over me.  I am going to stand my ground and speak up.  Of course I'll do it politely with a smile on my face :)  
  • I am going to be a better friend.  Sometimes I think we get comfortable in our relationships and take them for granted.  I know I am guilty of this.  This year I am putting more of an effort into being a good friend and putting myself out there.  I am also going to be a better blogger.  
So this is where I am right now.  Getting happier and healthier in 2011!