Monday, February 8, 2010

Why can't my outside match my inside?

That is what I have been pondering lately?

I have very low self-esteem.  I am a very sensitive person but this has gotten better as I have gotten older.  I am also working on my self-esteem.  I know that I can be outgoing and fun but I think it's really hard for me when my outside does not match my insides.  On the inside, I feel cute and outgoing and fun, but on the outside I am fat and not so cute.  I know that this surgery will help with this, but I am worried at times that I still won't be able to see it.  My family tells me all the time that I am funny, but am I funny because I am the funny fat girl or because I am really a funny person? 

I want to dress better.  As we all know there is not a lot of "cute" big girl clothes out there and that upsets me.  I always feel like I am dressed sloppily. I try and pull off what I think is nice looking, but always end up looking not put together.  I want to look how I feel.  I am so self-conscious about how I look.  I wish I could be one of those people that just didn't give a rip and be myself, but I alas I am not.  It is a problem for me.  I worry about what other people are thinking of me it has held me back so much in my life.  It is something that I am constantly worrying about.  I always think people are judging me on how I look and not me.  Honestly, that is why there are no pictures of me on my blog or numbers.  I am too scared of what everyone will think of me.  Isn't that crazy?! 

I am hopeful though that I won't be like this forever.


  1. I sooooo understand what you are saying.

    You have just described my 20's!!

    Someone once told me that I would be surprised how 'little' people actually think of me (as in how rarely).

    And it's true! How often do you look at others and think mean thoughts?

    The people around you love you for who you are. Losing weight is not going to change that!

    Take it easy on yourself!!! You're a work in progress too :-)

  2. Ive been there. the first set of pictures were the hardest to post..each set have gotten easier and easier. The band is going to do amazing thing for it! :)

  3. Kim-
    We are all in the same boat...big girls looking to get smaller and this will help our lives as a whole. You have to get to that special place where you realize you are beautiful on the inside and the outside. Surround yourself with positive people who love you for you and are not quick to judge. We are all here for each other on this blog because we know how each other feels. You are married to a man who loves you for you and finds you beautiful. Remember this is more than some people can say! And the not clothes for big girls...Amen!! I think I need to become a designer for big girl clothes to make us look fierce and fabulous! Clothes are hard to find but they are out there! Hope to talk to you soon!

  4. It is not crazy. Those are very valid feelings. And trust me, you arent funny just bc you are fat. You have developed your funny bone BC of the fat, but you are funny bc funny is funny. You dont find lots of funny skinny girls bc they don't have to develop that sense.

    Now, I wish I lived near you bc I would take your ass shopping and I promise you would leave with some clothes that made you feel better about yourself! Come to Pensacola and I will make it worth your while. The clothes are limited, but they are there!

    Keep your chin up!

  5. Thank you for the support everyone! I am just having one of those kind of days, I could just cry at the drop of a hat. It's that lovely time of the month and I am super stressed at work.

    Amy - I wished we lived closer too. Next time I drive down to FL, I will stop by and when you come through B'ham next we will get together.